Thursday, October 13, 2016

TRICK OR TREATS


Oh boy. A horror comedy. I’ll be honest, I don’t particularly care for horror comedies as they tend to be one of those rare kinds of films that fail twice at the same time. There is nothing worse than watching a comedy that isn’t funny or a horror film that isn’t even remotely scary. Oh wait, yes, there is. It’s watching a horror comedy that fails at both. Aside from EVIL DEAD 2 and SHAUN OF THE DEAD, I’m struggling to think of horror comedies that work. TRICK OR TREATS certainly doesn’t. In fact, the only thing the film is good at is providing a template for every aspiring horror comedy filmmaker out there. Take a good look, folks. This is exactly how you should not make a horror comedy.

I also dislike kids, both in real life and in the movies. Certain kids, both real and cinematic, manage to be tolerable, even likeable, but for the most part, I’d rather not look at them, hear them, or acknowledge they exist. So imagine my displeasure at having to sit through 90 minutes in the company of the most annoying child since the murderous brood of BLOODY BIRTHDAY. I do remember enjoying this film when I was a kid and I’m pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I was myself an absolutely annoying bastard cunt of a child that took pleasure in tormenting everyone within my sight. So I was able to enjoy the endless pranks fat, ugly, little Christopher plays on Linda, his poor suffering babysitter. Today, having become much less of a bastard, I could barely contain my abject hatred for this tubby little ball of shit. When Christopher fakes his own drowning in the swimming pool, Linda screams and cries, traumatized beyond belief. She gives him mouth to mouth and has a meltdown. I would have cracked a beer and watched the little fucker float like the turd he is.

But wait, where’s the horror? That’s right, I forgot all about dear old dad, locked up in a mental asylum so mom could marry a sleazy weirdo (played with appropriate sleazy weirdness by David Carradine). Dad is awfully upset by his poor turn of fortunes (and who wouldn’t be? He’s literally dragged off by two psych ward workers while sitting on the patio one afternoon) so he decides to knock out a nurse, steal her outfit (how it fits is beyond me as she is about four inches shorter and a hundred pounds lighter), throw on a wig and run across town to knife his ex and her husband. Along the way, the husband is confused for a woman by everyone he meets in a futile attempt at comedy, we receive a dissertation from Linda’s female film editor friends on how easy it is to make junky horror movies, and Linda’s boyfriend (who really doesn’t even need to be in the movie) phones her every ten minutes to tell her about his opening performance as Othello in a local theater play (never mind the fact that Othello was black and this guy is a wormy, pale, white dude).

When dad finally reaches the house, the typical slasher film elements come into play. One of Linda’s friends has her throat slashed, Linda gets chased all over the house by psycho dad and little Christopher saves the day by killing dad with his fully functional (and incredibly sharp) guillotine. Christopher then picks up the knife, raising it behind Linda’s back seconds before the credits start to roll. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Good. Because you, Dear Reader, do not need to see this movie. You do not need to acknowledge its existence. Let this entire review retreat from your memory once you navigate away from this page. Step no further towards purchasing this film or downloading it. It is terrible, unimaginably terrible. Unfunny and not frightening, this is the horror comedy at its worst.

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